Listmania 2017!!!
71 lists that sum up the highs and lows of a weird-ass year.
Things that don't feel like they happened in 2017 (that we still want to talk about)
Things that don't feel like they happened in 2017 (that we don’t want to talk about)
1. Fidget spinners
2. The Kendall Jenner Pepsi thing
3. All that Richard Simmons stuff
4. Arguing about pineapple on pizza
5. Jake Paul
6. The media’s obsession with millenials
Top songs from 2016 that we listened to in 2017
11. Migos f. Lil Uzi Vert, “Bad and Boujee”
10. Kaytranada f. Syd, “You’re The One”
9. PARTYNEXTDOOR, “Work (demo)”
8. Frank Ocean, “Nights”
7. Jacquees, “B.E.D.”
6. Mitski, “Happy”
5. YoungBoy Never Broke Again, “They Ain’t With Me”
4. Mr. Eazi, “Leg Over”
3. Lil Peep, “Gym Class”
2. Snail Mail, “Thinning”
1. Olivia Holt, “History”
Events that had bigger crowds than Trump’s inauguration
1. Literally any Thursday at the Supreme store
4 things we read that we liked more than “Cat Person”
1. Taylor Swift’s poem for Vogue
2. Verrit
3. Our own unpublished short fiction
4. The Autobiography of Gucci Mane
Top Keyshia and Gucci Instagram posts that made us believe in love
1.
2.
3.
4.
...until these breakups convinced us love is dead
1. Cam'ron and JuJu
2. Carmelo and La La
3. Fergie and Josh Duhamel
4. Hayley Williams and that guy from New Found Glory
The 11 stages of following Beyoncé’s pregnancy
1. Feeling shocked as all fucking hell that Beyoncé is pregnant again, after she has given us so much
2. Feeling even more shocked that she will be having twins
3. Having intense jealousy of all of Beyoncé's pregnancy fits
4. Having intense jealousy of all of Beyoncé's offspring
5. Losing all sense of feeling in your extremities while watching her Grammys performance
6. Feeling sad that you didn't get invited to Bey's push party
7. Feeling like a weird stalker for setting up a "Beyoncé+hospital" Google alert
8. Experiencing intense emotions about the fact that the twins are destined to be Geminis
9. Realizing that Beyoncé invented poetry when you learn that their names are Sir and Rumi
10. Feeling acceptance that Beyoncé is happy and busy with her children
11. Looking forward giving her some much-deserved space (even if the space is only from your psychic energy, since she will never know you exist)
Comebacks we were most thankful for
Compelling reasons to support Cardi B 2020
1. Imagine Offset as First Husband
2. The possibility of a presidential library in the Bronx
3. Her on-point impromptu speech about the U.N. and Libya
4. The way she eviscerated Trump on a U.K. radio show
5. The fact that she speaks Russian
6. She believes in comprehensive immigration reform
7. We may finally see true bipartisanship
8. Her agenda is all about gender parity
Robots who need to get their life together
1. This pole-dancing robot
2. This robot harassing the homeless
3. This suicidal robot
4. Sophia
5. This robot getting bullied
6. This J Balvin fanbot
Songs Nazuk played at 2:59 p.m. every Summer Friday
1. Ozuna, “Tu Foto”
2. Creek Boyz, “With My Team”
3. G Perico, “Dedicate”
4. J Hus, “Did You See”
5. Bruno Mars x PARTYNEXTDOOR, “That’s What I Like (Remix)”
2 times rappers made us concerned for their exotic animals
1. When YoungBoy Never Broke Again got a pet tiger
2. When YoungBoy Never Broke Again got a pet monkey
7 jewelry purchases that reminded us how broke we are
1. Quavo’s Ratatouille chain
2. Quavo's Napoleon chain
3. Quavo's Yoda chain
4. Lil Uzi Vert’s Marilyn Manson chain
5. Lil Yachty’s Lil Yachty chain
6. Cardi B’s bloody moves chain, as gifted by Offset
7. Drake's Stone Island chain
5 times we believed in the power of the bodega
Balls, ranked
6. Gelo
5. The uncle who kind of looks like Zaytoven
4. Lonzo
3. Melo
2. Tina
1. LaVar
Things you bitches can’t spell
1. Consent
Stories we followed a little too closely
1. #HurtBae
2. Bhad Bhabie
3. Post Malone's "Rock Star"
FADER headlines we wrote that, in retrospect, were a little extra
1. Astronaut Scott Kelly wants to link up and build with Cardi B
2. Large scarf offers refuge
3. Drake is taking a year off to work in film, collect first edition Harry Potter books
4. Is it cute to mix two soups together to make one big soup?
5. This video about cheating is a moving display of vulnerability
6. The Cash Me Outside girl is actually good at rapping
7. Name a better athlete-rapper than Lonzo Ball. I’ll wait.
Classroom raps that made us wish we were in elementary school again
New smiles that made Ali declare 2017 the year of teeth
6. Lil Uzi Vert
5. Danny Brown
4. Cardi B
3. Young Thug
2. Metro Boomin
1. "Everybody is just smiling all over the gram now, flexing the pearly whites!" —Ali
7 absurdly long YouTube videos we watched that made us concerned for each other's wellbeing
1. How to Use Instant Pot as a Pressure Cooker
2. Ross's Youtube Demonetization Spectacular
3. 10 Hours Of Spongebob Boots And Squidward Bouncing
4. LILMIQUELA IS A MAN + PROOF
5. The Breakfast Club
6. El gran menor | Caso Cerrado | Telemundo
7. 100 LBS OF SLIME! DIY Giant 45 Kilo Slime Stress Ball!
4 times we were convinced Frank Ocean wanted to ruin Olivia’s life
1. When “Chanel” premiered on Blonded Radio and they played it for a literal hour and she thought it might drive her insane
2. When Olivia had an important blogging question but Myles was crying his eyes out watching Frank at Panorama
3. When Olivia posted this, and then Frank posted this
4. When Blonded 003 got pushed to 10:15 PST, which would have been fine except for the fact that Olivia lives on EST and Blonded is two hours long so she had to stay up until 3 a.m. to post about “Biking”
The 9 stages of Myles going to Fyre Festival
1. Getting to the airport in Miami and being mildly annoyed that he had to put a bunch of money on his "Fyre bracelet"
2. Not really caring that his flight to the Bahamas was going to be a little late because there was a bar next to the gate
3. Being confused when the festival's PR person called and asked him very nicely not to get on the plane because the boat he was going to stay on never actually got booked
4. Feeling very purple-devil-smiling emoji about the extremely annoyed rich people he saw in the airport
5. Laughing hysterically at the 30-something bros who were ditching the airport because they decided on a whim to charter a yacht to take them instead
6. Getting concerned about the pictures he saw on Twitter — especially the cheese sandwiches
7. Deciding he would like to get to the Bahamas to report on what was going on but then feeling frustrated that there was no way in hell he was getting there
8. Feeling cozy in his nice-ass Miami hotel while reporting out a story for the next morning
9. Eventually feeling super relaxed by the pool and beach all weekend as the internet (and Ja Rule) tore itself to shreds and while his article on all the shenanigans went viral
People who have “blood on their hands”
Songs we looked forward to hearing in grocery stores
4. Dua Lipa, “New Rules”
3. Camila Cabello, “Havana”
2. Selena Gomez, “Bad Liar”
1. Miley Cyrus, “Malibu”
Nostalgic references we loved even though they’re absolutely unacceptable
1. Kehlani's "Undercover" interpolating Akon's "Don't Matter"
2. DJ Khaled f. Rihanna & Bryson Tiller's "Wild Thoughts" interpolating Santana f. The Product G&B's "Maria Maria"
3. Drake's "Teenage Fever" sampling Jennifer Lopez's "If You Had My Love"
Lowlights from the FADER’s cryptoslack
1. "/poll 'have beyonce and jay z invested in crypto?' 'yes' 'no' 'it's for blue'" —Olivia
2. "p sure i lost a byunch of money" —Duncan
3. "wait i lost my money again. i just keep forgetting wher ei put it" —Duncan
4. "can i be programmed to be rich" — Olivia
5. "i feel like ETH is solid as fuck, the name alone sounds promising" —Juliana
6. "everyone in this group has to start wearing suits to work" —Sam
3 things that were edgier than any of Taylor Swift’s "disses"
1. A round table
2. Jell-O
3. A quinoa clump
Album rollouts that were equally cynical and deranged
3 people whose Instagram comments were out of control
1. Juicy J, who won't leave NASA alone
2. Lauren J from 5th Harmony, who sent a lot of love to people
3. Cypress Hill, who commented on every photo... with a fist emoji
People who actually seem like they had a good year
1. Cardi B
2. Tracee Ellis Ross
3. Laura Dern
4. Charli xcx
5. Serena Williams
6. Jonatan (Not a focking baby)
7. Gucci Mane
4 times Jonatan made everybody claro
1. When he puffed on a hookah after being pulled over by cops
2. When he was gently cradled by French Montana
3. When he took Cardi B to Mamasushi
4. When he opened his own damn hookah store
Top trends we can’t wait to carry into 2018
2. Buying Instant Pots
1. Logging off
Top trends that need to stay in 2017
2. Tweets over 140 characters
1. The "alt-right"
Racist laws that were successfully overturned thanks to grassroots activists working their asses off
1. New York's "no dancing" cabaret law
Best new artists we discovered on Spotify
1. Ras Sramard
2. Gocci Mode
3. 21 Passage
4. Most Alone
13 beaches, ranked
13. El Matador
12. Dan Blocker
11. Malibu Lagoon
10. Carbon
9. Las Tunas
8. Nicholas Canyon
7. Leo Carillo
6. Topanga
5. Paradise Cove
4. Zuma
3. El Pescador
2. La Piedra
1. Point Dume
People Jay-Z forgot to thank in his tweetstorm
1. God
2. His family
Things social media editor Ali did while the FADER Twitter was down
1. Ate schnitzel
2. Charged his Juul
3. Drank D’ussé
4. Vlogged
5. Tried to convince the world that Juelz Santana is the best rapper of all time
People @thugtear could be
1. Rawiya
Times the FADER newsletter deserved a Pulitzer
1. “We got snubbed!"
4 wildest quotes from Myles interviews
4. “I feel like was on the phone with Us Weekly on a daily basis." —Spencer Pratt
3. "How am I supposed to get an acting job as Freddy Krueger?" —Freckle
2. "When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, Betsy Ross turned around and was like, 'We got candles, you dumb bitch. What are you doing?'" —Trixie Mattel
1. "I have 50 different fellatio techniques. It's just the grapefruit does stand out — because...you use a fruit." —Auntie Angel
Things meat is, according to Duncan
1. Murder
6 Bossip headlines that made us stop breathing
1. Bae Of The Day: “WAGS Miami” Star Darnell Nicole Is Bottlenose Dolphin THICK
2. Smashed The Homies? Drake Rumored To Be Homeboy Humping Bella Hadid's Airmax Loving Cakes After The Weeknd
3. Risk It All SZN: Swamp Possum THICK Nicole Murphy Followed Shannon Sharpe & Shattered Twitter
4. Poor Thing: Future Is Smashing Bow Wow’s Oatmeal Thick Baby Mama To Smithereens And He’s A Salty Shad
5. Bafangool! Marinated Pork Shoulder Mario Batali Admits To Sexually Assaulting Several Of His Women Employees
6. Rancid Ricotta Faced Tomi Lahren Shades Beyoncé & Kaep, Gets All Five Follicles On Her Unseasoned Scalp Snatched
Weird beauty trends we thought were gonna pop off
Months we loved Rihanna
1. January
2. February
3. March
4. April
5. May
6. June
7. July
8. August
9. September
10. October
11. November
12. December
Important lessons we learned from Juliana
2 times Ed Sheeran was the biggest snitch
Top 5 questions people asked Duncan to ask Zayn that he didn’t actually ask
5. ask him how excited he is for deadpool 2
4. and how excited is he for thor ragnarok
3. DROP HIS SKINCARE ROUTINE
2. Would he ever get with an 18 yr old Pakistani girl from England with a London accent?? 😏💕
1. When's he giving us a selfie in black shalwar kameez? This bitch has waited all her life!
Fan-favorite FADER covers, as measured by 2017 poster sales
5. Hayley Williams
4. Lil Uzi Vert
3. Travis Scott
2. Frank Ocean
1. Tyler, The Creator
The cutest photos from our office "twinning" series
Problematic faves who need our prayers
1. Kanye West
2. Certain members of Kanye West's household
3. Miley Cyrus
4. Barack Obama
5. Azealia Banks
6. Tay-K
7. Lindsay Lohan
Top U.K. bangers that referenced cab company Addison Lee
People we want to hear more from in 2018
1. Hodgy Beats
2. Nelly Furtado
3. Salt Bae
4. Timothée Chalamet
People who need to be left alone
People who earned a sabbatical for 2018
1. Matt Damon
2. Lena Dunham
Video-based Twitter accounts that truly explained 2017
12 things the FADER staff tried for self-care (while sitting sedentary at desks for hours on end)
1. The Whole 30
2. Rosehip Oil
3. Seeds
4. Mugwort
5. Manuka Honey Propolis Lozenges
6. CBD oil
7. Energy Metabolism & Bone Support Women's Gummies
8. Motherwort tincture
9. Cricket waffle
10. Squalane
11. Micellized Vitamin A
12. Water
Lyrics we loved that weren't actually lyrics
1. "Who's not gay, bitch? Let me find out!" —Drake, "Gyalchester"
2. "Don't give a fuck about who in front of me!" —Cardi B, "Bodak Yellow"
Best snack that showed up at The FADER office
1. Expired Maltesers
Worst snack that showed up at The FADER office
1. Expired pulled pork
3 times end-credits ruled
1. Call Me By Your Name
2. Our DJ Firmeza doc, Pai Nosso
3. Good Time
What we're pivoting to in 2018
1. A cult
2. A thriving multimedia platform
3. A cryptocurrnecy
Top 2 cryptocurrency buys for 2018
1. FAD
2. ER
Photo credits from lead image:
Ozuna: Timothy Smith for The FADER
Young Ma: Cait Oppermann for The FADER
Lil Uzi Vert: Tyler Mitchell for The FADER
J Hus: Dan Wilton for The FADER
Stormzy: Carlota Guerrero for The FADER
Charli XCX: Renata Raksha for The FADER
Hayley Williams: Jason Nocito for The FADER
Cardi B: Dia Dipasupil / Getty Images
Rihanna: Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images
21 Savage: Noam Galai/Getty Images
Jake Paul: Frazer Harrison / Getty Images
Jay-Z: Matt Winkelmeyer / Getty Images
Chelsea Manning: Bryan Bedder / Getty Images
SZA: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images
Jordan Peele: Jamie McCarthy / Getty Images
Meek Mill: Lisa Lake / Getty Images
Beyoncé: Robyn Beck / Getty Images
Laura Dern: Stuart C. Wilson / Getty Images
Kesha: Isaac Brekken / Getty Images
Frank Ocean: Frazer Harrison / Getty Images
Takeoff: Bennett Raglin / Getty Images
Quavo: Frazer Harrison / Getty Images
Offset: Bennett Raglin / Getty Images
Gucci Mane: Maury Phillips / Getty Images
Taylor Swift: Frederick M. Brown / Getty Images
Colin Kaepernick: Matt Winkelmeyer / Getty Images
Eminem: Dimitrios Kambouris / Getty Images